March 25, 1999

I'm ready to take a flame-thrower to my PC here at work. The I.S. geeks came around last week and installed a new virus protection program. Since then, the damned thing has been acting like it has a virus. Incredibly, incredibly, incredibly slow. So I spend most of my day yelling at the thing in my best Colonel Slade voice (Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman"). It's especially slow when surfing the web, and it was never like that. Technology my ass.

Dave, my office mate, just departed for his morning shit. It's a bit repulsive to talk about, but it's a bit funny, maybe in a Monty Python sort of way. OK-it's 9:46 AM. Let's see how long he's in there. Actually, because I've been a bit bored (and mentally twisted), I've been timing his morning turd sabbaticals. He's averaging about 15 minutes. Every morning, he springs from his chair, tucks the sports section of the newspaper under his arm, and marches down the hall to the men's room. One time, I had the misfortune of going in the men's room the same time he was. I only had to piss, but he went and took a seat in the stall. He started making chitchat. Strange feeling. I can't remember ever having a conversation with someone who was in mid-dump. He has just returned from this morning's trip. 13 minutes. Now I can focus my attention on more pertinent things.

I smoke cigarettes. Far too many, almost 2 packs a day. On Saturdays when I might go to a bar or club, I can easily smoke more than 2 packs. I'm thinking about trying to quit on Monday. When I quit last year for 2 months, I felt great physically and mentally. I felt like since I conquered nicotine, I could conquer the world. Turned out that the world was safe all along, since I didn't really conquer a damned thing and started smoking again. I'm really sick and tired of feeling physically like crap because I smoke. I wouldn't wish this addiction on anyone. Well, my ex-wife smokes; I don't care if she does.

My mind never stops. At any one time, I have 20 different thoughts running about my brain. I'm impatient--I want everything now.

Who the hell watches Jay Leno and thinks he's funny?

(Enough of these observations. I'm starting to sound like Larry King. By the way, who watches Larry King....?)

I had a crazy evening of incredible sex last night with Ally. I went over to her place. We sat in the bathtub for about an hour. She has a jetted tub. It's a bit cramped for 2, but it's cool. Let's just say the water jets come in handy. Then we went into her bedroom. I'm not going to kiss and tell, so I apologize if you were expecting details. But it was one of those moments where I couldn't tell where I ended and she began. It was intense.

I had a dream last night about my boss. She's about 31 years old, about 5'10" (2 inches taller than me), blonde. Nice face and body, but too intellectual/Plain Jane looking for me. Another thing that bothers me is that she thinks she's much better looking than she is. She's from New England, and she can be a pretentious WASP at times. She smokes, too, and we sneak out together to catch a smoke a few times a day. She has been a good friend though, throughout my whole divorce. She's happily married, and her husband is a nice guy, though also a bit of a snob, too. Anyway, I had a dream that I was hanging around with her in different parts of the building in which we work, and we finally realized that we better get back to our office. We get on the elevator with 3 other people, and on the way up, she starts biting and kissing the back of my neck. And since it was a dream, it all seemed perfectly normal and rational. If only life was that way.